1.) What you do when your girlfriend is not at home.

2.) The reason why people buy playboys.

3.) The reason why old people are having more heart attacks.

4.) The reason why birth-rate decreased by 60% in the last 20 years.

5.) What 30% of the world population is doing now.
The old man had several heart attacks due to his recent masturbations. He had too much excitement
dodane przez Jake kwiecień 22, 2005
I once heard the late George Carlin at a live performance reel off hundreds of witty slang synonyms for masturbation, but his final entry, and the punchline for his entire performance, was,

"Crowning the King."

I thought it was the funniest.
Queen Elizabeth II: Prince Andrew! Prince Andrew! How much longer are you going to be in there?

Prince Andrew: Just a little while longer, Grand Mum.

Queen Elizabeth II: Prince Andrew! You are not endevouring to masturbate in there, are you?

Prince Andrew: Of course not, Grand Mum--I'm Crowning the King!
dodane przez Dr. Whosis grudzień 20, 2009
What your 12 year old Son or Daughter starts doing once their showers go from 5 minutes to 45 minutes in length.
Don't be fooled by the 45 minutes of "washing my hair" make sure everyone in your household takes a poop before you masturbate
dodane przez itakelongshowers maj 05, 2010
A form of sexual pleasure that people perform when they can't get enough sex. Some people do it several times a day. Others do it weekly or maybe even monthly.
Man, I can't get enough sex, I think I'll go masturbate.
Dude, I'm bored, I'm gonna go masturbate.
dodane przez J_man maj 19, 2008
What to do whenever you aren't in school or at work. Actually, you can do it there too, but be subtle.

I masturbated while I wrote this definition for urban dictionary.
dodane przez IM JERKING OFF RITE NOW kwiecień 04, 2009
1. Masturbate for male: When a postpubecent male reveals his dick, it gets hard because he is horny and he starts to move his hand(s) up and down on it until he cums. Also know as jerking off or jacking off

2. Masturbate for female: When a woman puts her fingers or an object into her pussy and goes in and out until she has an orgasm. Also known as fingering

3. A way of sexually pleasuring oneself.
1. guy 1: I jacked off last night to your girlfriend's picture
guy 2: dude, thats sick

2. girl: I masturbated last night thinking about you.
guy: thats hot
dodane przez AndyMac754 październik 27, 2007
Something that Jesus watches you do. Especially when you are stuck in a porta-john and an angry tranny is banging on the door shouting "GO FASTER!"
As Bob stared at the midgets having sex on his computer monitor, he pulled out his pecker and masturbated. As he was in the middle of wankin' one out, he noticed it was dark outside and noticed a bluish light flash outside his window and heard a huge thunder. Suddenly, LIGHTNING STRUCK HIS HOUSE AND EVERYONE DIED!

And on that fine day, Jesus said the two words in a booming voice that humanity will forever cherish, "Don't masturbate."
dodane przez MrCat styczeń 24, 2015
What you do while lying in bed.
While listening to the radio, a song gave me a boner, so I began to masturbate.
dodane przez Cum grenade sierpień 18, 2010

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